Conversation #2 with Wm Henry Sewall

Posted by: Mary Jones on: July 29, 2015

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I worked hard today and after I had dinner by myself, I felt lonely. I just wanted to TALK to somebody.

But I don’t like to talk to people these days, so I couldn’t. Everything with the custody wars and all just hurts too much. I feel soaked in grief and I don’t want to bring that to anyone else right now. I just am too blocked to even try.

I thought: I could go to the graveyard again and talk to Wm Henry Sewall.

So I was there, and there was a NEW grave. I didn’t think there was room for a new grave but they squeezed another person in. There were fading flowers all over her grave. She is in the same row as Wm Henry.

So when I got to his grave stone, I sat down and said “Look! Someone new moved in!”

Then I apologized if I woke him up but I told him I was lonely and I really needed to talk to someone. I can say all this stuff out loud because no one can remotely hear me, and maybe not even see me, talking to this tombstone.

It’s soooo comforting having someone to talk to. You may say: Mary, you are not talking to anyone. Those are just bones. But people talk to dogs and cats and they don’t understand them. I try to talk to William sometimes and sometimes his channel is just not tuned into me.

I told him about my day. My ordinary day. I thought, it would be nice to to just tell someone about my ordinary day who really cared, and also told me about their ordinary day.

I haven’t had that in a long time, maybe never have had it. And it doesn’t look like I’m going to have it anytime soon, maybe never. Just the thought of it makes me feel kind of tight and anxious.

I can imagine that he cares. That he finds me kind of interesting. That he was happy to see me return. I can imagine all that, and then I let go, and I let myself be me. All the way. And I just talk to him. I’d like to go on talking to him, unless it’s unhealthy, because in a strange way, it makes me feel less lonely.

But also it makes me feel very, very, very lonely. It just feels a bit more bearable, and then I hear my voice, which I sometimes don’t hear for a whole day or more at a time.

I tried doing this with my stuffed animals but it just felt too fake. They are very good for hugging but when I talk to them, I just don’t feel like they hear me (I mean, of course they don’t, but I can’t make myself imagine it.) But I can with Wm Henry. He feels more real to me.

So, I really don’t see the harm in talking to Wm Henry.  I noticed the gravestones beside him this time. I think they were his wife and sister. I apologized to them too, you know, for disturbing them and for borrowing their husband/brother.

But I needed him.

I think I spend half my life saying I’m sorry about stuff.

I go to a counselor, a trauma counselor, to talk once a week. Whenever I get to a painful part — and there are a lot of painful parts — she says STOP! and then I have to tell her colors of things in the room and stuff. It’s called grounding. But it feels abrupt.

I feel certain she knows what she is doing but I don’t know what she is doing. I am going along with it but the nice thing about Wm Henry is that he does not interrupt, or refocus me when I wander.

The counseling is working, I’m sure, but I feel so bad after.

When I talk to Wm Henry, I feel calm after.